iiiii haaate myself. i smoke too much pot and eat too much food and i am so self-loathing i am so fat and so so so disgusting and i need help

…And I will, I will, I will be thin.

I’m on the train now on my way back to my family’s house from the city. It’s weird, I don’t know which place to really call home any more… I guess it’s where my family is but now I don’t spend too much of my time there. I love being in the city so often, I feel so much better than I used to. This time last year I was on the brink of suicide. I still think about it, just calling the whole thing off. It’s hard not to, I think, once you’ve thought of it so much. I wouldn’t say I’m happy, really happy, like a girl of my age and life should be but I guess I’m fairly content… Nothing is ever enough for me. I’ve eaten much better today but I still like food and flavors and taste. I really want to hate all of it so badly. This morning I had a banana loaf for breakfast, it was around 400 calories which is ridiculous. I ate some fruit around 11 again, a salad around 11:45, and that’s been it. Coconut water and water, that’s it… I’m proud of myself for not letting my hunger rule me. I’d usually be pigging out around this time. I just really need to get this self control thing down, I really think I’m making progress. A new friend of mine from school invited me to a fashion show in the Hamptons on Friday. It would be so cool and probably a lot of fun, this friend is very cool but I’m a little bit intimidated by her. She makes me feel very ugly and uncool by comparison, but most people have that effect on me, don’t they? I’m not certain if I’ll end up going or not… There’s something very much off in my brain: I’d much prefer to lay around, get stoned, and watch National Geographic channel with my boyfriend, who is the loveliest being. We’ll see, I need to make up my mind, figure out what and who I want to be.